First Take: The Queen’s Corgi- one is not amused

SYNOPSIS: The British monarch’s favourite dog gets lost from the palace and finds himself at a dog fight club. He then begins his long journey to find his way back home.

Yes, that plot is as ridiculous as it sounds. The opening movie of this year’s birthday marathon was the yearly ‘I Smell Bullsmit’ film as the Great Men and Women of Vue Preston call it- and boy was this film worthy of the label, not just because of a joke surrounding a certain president.

This is a kids film directed by Ben Stassen (of Sammy the Turtle fame) and Vincent Kesteloot- and it’s obvious that this is a Belgian film that has been blatantly dubbed to capitalise on the British market, as the pacing is a mess. 1 hour, 25 minutes of pure torture were inflicted this morning during this film. It’s written by Rob Sprackling and John R Smith- the writers of Gnomeo and Juliet- and there are only a few laughs, notably, well, you’ll have seen it in the trailer. Ramin Djwadi is on score duties, and, mercifully, even he isn’t able to save this one from a rant.

As for the cast, well, this is underwhelming. Jack Whitehall, Sheridan Smith, Julie Walters, Ray Winstone, Matt Lucas and Tom Courtenay are the voices for the UK print of the film (the rest of the world will get lesser known voice actors and the original audio), and not even that combination of talents are able to make this material come alive. Poor writing, poor pacing, poor direction and a poor idea make this a film that really does promote how piracy is affecting the industry- because who would actually pay to watch a film THIS BAD?

And yes, this is how that man appears in the film. Yes, really. Jon Culshaw was literally hired just to do the voice of him. There’s even a few bottles of Cov-Fefe cola in the same style as everyone’s favourite carbonated soft drink. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

THE VERDICT

It’s been nearly 18 hours since I seen this film now, and I’m still trying to mentally get over how dire this film is- it’s up there with Nine Lives, Show Dogs and last year’s Patrick in terms of the worst films I’ve seen in a cinema environment. Avoid this film at all costs.

RATING: 1.5/5