First Take: 50 Shades of Grey- the one where the rants began

Originally consigned to the vaults of TheJackSmit.com, to celebrate the most sentimental time of year… is one of the most brutal rants ever recorded for the blog following a little bet between me and one of the Great Men and Women™ a few years back. We’ve had to cut the raunchy bits out to keep the review a safe PG, but still, this one really set me off.

SYNOPSIS: Literature student Anastasia Steele’s life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey.

Once upon a time, there was a book called Twilight. Then, there was a very raunchy fanfiction based on that book written by an internet user called ‘Snowqueens Icedragon’- or as we know her now, E.L James. That very fanfiction would later become a novel called 50 Shades of Grey. That just about tells you EVERYTHING you need to know really, and unsurprisingly, the film is as terrible as the idea of a hastily adapted, Twilight inspired erotic fanfiction.

I’m not pointing the blame solely at director Sam Taylor-Wood, nor the script from Kelly Marcel, but it is obvious that the source material quite literally leaves a lot to the imagination, especially with how poorly written the dialogue is. As a result, the pacing is all over the place, and it’s difficult to follow a narrative which apparently removes the more graphic elements of the book, but keeps the raunchiness in tact. This isn’t even the start of my problems, brace yourselves folks, a rant of truly epic proportions is brewing. Behind the camera is industry veteran Seamus McGarvey, who after helming the cinematography on films like 2012’s Avengers Assemble, is the MVP on this production, because he isn’t afraid to literally get all up in the business of the more romantic elements. Providing the score in a radical shift from his usual kind of film is Danny Elfman, but still, I wasn’t impressed with the technical team.

Performance wise, the pairing of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are about as depressing as the time it was suggested that I even watched this film in the first place, and my god, they are BOOORRRIIIING together. There is no chemistry between them, and Johnson’s performance is about as stable as a poorly assembled piece of IKEA furniture. Dornan is much better suited to the roles he has played on TV, and at least he was honest to the press about doing this film for the money. Supporting them is Jennifer Ehle, Rita Ora (of all people), and many others, but I can’t really mention any of the cast members, as it just feels so forgettable in the wider scheme of the industry. And yet it was a commercial success.

THE VERDICT

This film quite simply sucks. I simply can’t find a better way of saying it. It’s 2 hours and 15 minutes of pure torture, and even with some inventive cinematography to push the boundaries of a commercially viable 18 certificate film, I wouldn’t watch this piece of rubbish again- hell, I ain’t gonna be going near the final two films of the trilogy. It was truly that bad.

RATING: 1/5